Progress and Process

It’s been quite the year, but I’ve managed to take it moment by moment and day by day and try to take nothing for granted. Time really does help with grief as frustrating as it can be. Life will teach you how to appreciate process and in-progress modes very quickly.

I have long accepted that things won’t bring my dad back, but now I don’t try to force things as if everything is fine. Watching movies and listening to certain songs will never be the same and that’s alright. I cannot ever watch the end of Avengers: Endgame again. It was the last movie we all saw together and, with an already emotional ending, I don’t need to disrupt my peace by watching it. I know what happened. I’m good.

Melatonin gummies and vitamin b-complex drops help along with taking a day when necessary, although I probably don’t take them as often as I should (or can…hi bills). Painting my nails has helped a lot more than I thought. I don’t bite my nails when I have a color on that I love. OPI is my exclusive polish. I had a ton of Essie, but it always chipped way too fast even with the no-chip top coat. OPI (Infinite Shine is my first formula choice) never does me wrong, but even when I have to change colors, it’s a soothing ritual.
Note: “push back your cuticles instead of cutting them” is the nail equivalent of “SWATCH ALWAYS!”

We’re still keeping TallSmall in virtual school sessions and I’m still working my usual part-time remotely. She wants to go back into school, but our rates are still high and we’ve gotten emails about positive tests occurring. The school doesn’t identify anyone specifically to avoid them being stigmatized, and I appreciate the heads up. Pushing kids back into schools too early is not something I want to risk just to have them meet some metric or standard. Is my child relatively happy? Is she healthy?
We take mental breaks and find new things for her to do so that she doesn’t get too bummed out. We accepted at the start of quarantine that rules don’t apply anymore. Camping in the living room? Let’s go. Spa day with nail painting, video games, and movies? Done. You want to roller-skate in the empty office when I go in to do whatever I can’t do at home? Lace up, girl. It’ll be a year on March 13th that we’ve been doing this, but I’m grateful to see another year.

Hopefully, TS won’t grow so fast that she doesn’t fit the Bus Stop Cardigan (Ravelry link) I’m making for her from Patons in Kelbourne Woolens Scout (Coral Heather is the color). I love the cables and the broken rib, but will leave out the Bagger Vance vibes when I take pictures of her in it when I finish.

My gauge is 20 sts/4″ instead of 22 sts, so I’m knitting the size closest to TallSmall’s actual size instead of going up a size for room. She’ll still have room as she doesn’t quite fit the finished dimensions for her size yet, but she’ll have even more time to wear this since my gauge will get a slightly bigger sweater. She’s just about fitting sweaters I knit 10+ years ago for myself (we’re just going to roll up those sleeve cuffs), but I guess this is what happens when your child is part Amazon.
The best part about growing beyond a sweater size is that I get to knit another Erin cardigan for myself in Scout Blue Heather. The end result is a cardigan to wear and love, but the progression of it all is what does it for me now. One stitch at a time, one row at a time, one repeat at a time. The flow is more enjoyable when the furious “hurry up and finish it!” thought is not present.

More wonderful things to add to the #allcablesallthetime hashtag on IG. Do you have anything in progress? I think we’re all in progress and processing, and it’s not something that ever stops. What’s something that may have seemed mundane or ordinary before, but is now more helpful than you thought it’d be during this time?

4 comments

  1. Glad to read your words again, and that you’re finding some comfort. Watching and talking to the birds that visit my backyard has been therapeutic.

    I sat in my car in front of a convenience store and bawled my eyes out to AC/DC’s Back In Black a few months after I lost my stepdad. Then I laughed until I couldn’t breathe at how ridiculously funny it was to be crying to that song!
    Hugs, Lady!

    Liked by 1 person

    • That is a perfect example of things not seeming the way the should (or should in the eyes of others). Nothing makes sense in the way we knew before, but I find that I’m appreciating the new perspective on life and mortality as time goes on.

      Like

  2. That Erin cardi reminds me of the one Cicely Tyson, ma’am wore in HTGAWWM. Almost identical color, too.

    We’re handling what we have to handle in the way that we do. Can’t take your pain away, but I can send love.

    XO

    Liked by 1 person

    • Now I need to go Google this sweater because I remember the episodes with her, but need to refresh my mind on her wardrobe. I do FONDLY remember when she was doing Annalise’s hair. I felt the love in that shot.

      Doing what we can how we can at the rate that we can handle is all we can do.

      Liked by 1 person

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